When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
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I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
The opposite of goth is stopth.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
My favorite type of men is ramen.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Seems kinda suspicious
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.