I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
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Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
bros in the example zone 😭
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE