*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
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me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Ha.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Meanwhile in Canada…
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing