Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
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the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.