Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
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If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
haha same
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
inside you are two wolves
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean