I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
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You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
this has done me in for some reason
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.