“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
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Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.