I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
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that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
🐕🍷
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys