You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
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Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month