She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
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10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Check your privilege
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*