I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
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these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up