10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
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A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead