ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
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Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
How actors in movies eat their food
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.