The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
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“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
This is amazing.
how long have you had this for?
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
first you must answer his riddles
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though