I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
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“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Free him
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?