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[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories