The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
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“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Said the murderer.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.