DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
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Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Perfection.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh