Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
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I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
A ghost story
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right