A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
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THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
The Book. The Movie.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead