Always a housemaid, never a house.
You Might Also Like
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My brain is a bad influence on me
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Möther may I have a snäck
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS