You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
You Might Also Like
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?