“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
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[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
#oldknees
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.