The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
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Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
What my back needs