I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
You Might Also Like
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.