5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
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I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
My love language is deader than Latin
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
sigh
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that