So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
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Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks