“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
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This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
me: my friends:
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
got so much cardio in today
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal