best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
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A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
This did not end as expected.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.