Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
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I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
good work, detective
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.