Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
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It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
That’s classic.
This might be me.
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My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.