no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
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The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Don’t snitch tag.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion