Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
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I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Favourite diary entry ever
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat