If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
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The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I already tried new things thanks.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*