That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
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How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.