if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
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If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.