[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
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Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.