Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
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I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika