Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
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(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.