Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
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What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resum茅 says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
multitasking lunch
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I鈥檓 here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.馃寧鉂わ笍
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
It鈥檚 incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
It鈥檚 pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I鈥檓 not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can鈥檛 walk down stairs
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.