I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
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friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.