*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
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Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.