[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
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Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
This line from Airplane.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked