Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
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*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
A friend sent me this.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Seems a bit forward
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Comparing yourself to others
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*