Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
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I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Venn
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said