How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
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I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything