God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
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That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
mom had nothing to worry about
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
emergency phone
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.