My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
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Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault