If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
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Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?