Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
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WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.